Fumbling Towards Healing

It's been a very long time since I've posted here.  I've had several indiscretions with this dear blog and set out to create other spaces on the interwebs, but alas I'm back here and happy to be back. :)

I've been going through some "stuff", as my friends and family know, and I've spent some time thinking about the best way to process all of this and I decided that I just want to be able to share it with anyone who might find it useful.

This is nothing dramatic to most.  I haven't lost a child.  I haven't gone through a divorce.  My family is, for the most part, healthy, but just like many people I have unpacked baggage that I've carried with me for many years and I'm just ready to unpack it.  I'm ready to declutter and be free of the bullshit that isn't serving me.  Maybe it's a mid-life crisis.  I don't care.  I need to be done with it, learn from it, and move on.

On the eve of my last birthday, I ended up in the Emergency Room.  For the week prior, I was feeling "off" and shaky.  I was having anxiety attacks, heart palpitations, fits of dizziness, and general unease.
I started off the night feeling calm and decided to go to bed early.  I generally spend my birthday shopping, lunching, movie-going, or whatever I feel like doing.  About an hour after settling into bed, I sat up straight with a feeling of panic.  My left leg was feeling just like it does before I get a Charley Horse.  I shook it off and settled back down.  Then my arm started.  The inner turmoil of someone who suffers from anxiety set in.
"Oh my God!  What is happening?  Am I dying?", I asked myself.
I tried to talk myself out of these crazy thoughts, but then my "rational" mind piped up.
"You know.... You aren't the healthiest person in the world.  You're overweight, you smoke, you probably drink too much.  Maybe you're having a stroke."
That's all it took.  My mind was off.  I spent the next hour obsessively thinking about dying.
I eventually woke my husband up and told him that he had to take me to the ER.  He tried to talk me into reason.  It didn't work.  I mean, what if he was wrong?  What if it wasn't just an anxiety attack?  What if I was really having a pulmonary event?  I couldn't take the chance.

That was the longest car ride of my life.  As we drove, the paresthesia traveled up from my left leg, to my arm to the side of my face.  I was convinced I was having a stroke and was going to die.  I tried to breathe.  All the while, I had my fingers glued to the artery on my neck. I could barely feel my pulse which sent me into a tailspin. I knew I was dying.

As we got closer to the hospital, we came upon a road closure and I started to feel as if someone had their hands around my throat, choking me.  This would surely be the death of me.  My husband was trying to reason with me, speaking calmly, and telling me that we would be there soon and that I would be okay.  I made a promise to him, to me, and to God... If I make it through this, I'm going to change my life.  This is a wake-up call.    

That 20-minute drive seemed to take an eternity, but we finally arrived at the hospital.  Due to my symptoms, I was whisked away into the ER where they hooked me up to lots of machines.  They did bloodwork, an EKG, a CT scan, among other things.

The verdict?

Panic attack.

They did find that my blood pressure was a little too high (even after the horse-pill Ativan that I was given), but other than that?  I was "fine".

It was a dramatic way to spend my birthday, but my mother, in her infinite hilarity stated, "Well, you spent your first birthday in the hospital..."

I spent the next few weeks battling the anxiety.  I had a few tense discussions with my primary doctor and his suggestions of psychotherapy, medication, life changes, etc.  It took me a couple months to fully embrace change, but eventually the underlying message in my brain was that I had a second chance and I promised to change my life and that's what I decided to do.

Since that crazy night four months ago, I've made some incredible discoveries and I want to share them.  They are not earth-shattering ideas, but there are some amazing things that I've discovered and am still discovering and I want to share them.

I hope you're all doing well!  I don't share this story to garner any sympathy.  We all go through our own shit, but not everyone shares and that's okay.  I just feel compelled to share my journey.

Live well!

Muah!
 

Three and a half hours well spent

Also known as, "the room of unwanted items" or my favorite, my new radio studio.....

I've been involved in internet radio for a little while now and just started a radio station with a couple of friends.  It's going really well, but I really wanted to set up a proper studio instead of broadcasting from the couch or, even better, my bed.  Yup, I've done my show while sitting on my bed.

We have a room in our basement that was, at one time, the office.  We moved the office upstairs to a room attached to the bedroom, but since the router is in the basement, it makes more sense to broadcast from that room.  So.... I went back into "the room of unwanted items."  The old office has been accumulating anything we've wanted to put out of the way, but didn't have a place to put it.  It became a giant, disorganized closet.

I had been passing the room at the bottom of the steps for quite some time.  I'd peek in, become immediately overwhelmed, and quickly walk in the other direction.  I don't know what happened this morning, but I decided to tackle some of it.  Three and a half hours, several cups of coffee, four dead spider carcasses,   and a Skype conversation later and the room is clean and set up.  I can hardly believe it.  I thank my friend, Jake, for putting up with the crackling trash bags, sneezes, and dead spider freak-outs during our conversation.

I started out by tackling almost three years of Yarn of the Month club samples, still in their bags.  My mother gave me these rolling carts for Christmas because I've been talking about organizing my yarn stash for quite some time.  I filled up one deep drawer with the samples I could find.  I know there are more lurking somewhere because I rearranged quite a few bags a couple of years ago.  I hesitate to go looking for them.

I honestly thought that is all that I would get accomplished before giving up and going back to knitting, but I pushed on.

Seven bags of trash later, the room is clean and vacuumed.

Hubs came down with the table and set up all of the electronic equipment.  I still need to put up some foam to help sound-proof the room.  The acoustics are great for a capella singing, but that doesn't translate well to the radio I don't think.

Now I'm just sitting down here staring at everything and hanging out.  It's nice to have my own space.  Let's hope I can keep it clean!

A special thank you goes out to Carly Rae Jepsen and Selena Gomez for helping me to dance and sing around the chaos.

**on a side note, you can listen to me live on Wednesday evenings from 8-9pm ET for paranormal talk, Thursday evenings from 8-9 pm ET to hear music from up-and-coming artists and those that don't get much/if any commercial airplay, and Friday evenings from 7-9pm ET for discussions on a multitude of topics from paranormal to psychological on Digital Radio 103.

Hey, how YOU doin'?

Good Lord!  I have followers!  I need to pay attention to y'all! I'm sorry!

So it has been a crazy few months.  My experience in the paranormal field is growing as well as my experience with editing and radio.
I have a radio show every Wednesday night.  It is a bit of a train wreck, just like me.  Anything goes.  I fumble over my words sometimes.  I'm a bit of a moron sometimes.  I am a sarcastic bitch sometimes.  Sometimes I just don't get it.  I think that's life though. 

Anyway, we started on a very popular paranormal Internet station, but that station looked shaky so we left.  I say we left as if I had a choice.  I was told we were leaving.  I'm not bitter.  It happens.  I go with the flow.  In any event, we left.  I like the station we went to.  I really like the people there.  I really like most everyone I've met in the paranormal field.  There are some people who think that their shit doesn't stink and there are some people that have trouble telling the truth, but every field has those people right?

I've also been editing a friend's books.  That is very interesting and probably deserves it's own post.  More on that to come.

In any event, there is a lot going on in my life and I need to take the time to relax and also to pay attention to this blog! 

I hope you all are doing fantastically!  What is going on in your life?  Leave your links for us all to see!

Let me hold your bags, will you?

I don't claim to be psychic, but I definitely have the ability to pick up on others' feelings all the time from time to time. I am able to feel what other people are feeling and most of the time I take it into myself and don't realize that it's not my feelings that I'm feeling.

I really think that is what most of my anxiety problem is.  I don't like to go to places where there are large groups of people because it's overwhelming on so many levels. I can usually tell when someone is in a bad mood without them saying a word.  Yeah... Yeah... body language... but it's much more than that.  I can just tell.

Normally I try to stay away from those people until they work their shit out.  Sometimes it's unavoidable.

On the other hand, I am a Paranormal Investigator so it definitely comes in handy during investigations.  Sometimes, things just get weird.

I was on an investigation a few months ago and the entire evening I was stressing and thinking that I left my car lights on and that I would get into my car at 3am and the battery would be dead.  I don't know how many times I walked around the house to the edge of the porch and checked my car, each time knowing that the lights were off.  (But were they really off the last twelve times I checked and I just couldn't tell because  of the way the streetlight was shining?)


When we were all packed up and ready to go, I gave strict orders to another investigator that he was not to leave until I had turned my car on and was ready to go.  I got to the car, turned it on and it turned over.  I was so relieved.  I drove home (checking my back seats twelve thousand times to make sure I didn't have any hitchhikers), pulled in, and went to sleep.

The next day what do I find, but another investigator that had carpooled had to be jumped when he got back to another investigator's home.  He had left his lights on and his battery died while we were at the investigation.

Coincidence?  Maybe.

Maybe not.

A few weeks ago, I was involved in an investigation at Pennhurst Asylum.  It was amazing.  At one point, we were in the basement of the Mayflower building when I got the distinct impression that there was a little girl with us.  We were doing an EVP session and I asked, "Is your name, Emily?"  There was no response.

There is a new show on Bio called The Haunting of (insert celebrity name).  It's a show that takes the celebrities from Celebrity Ghost Stories and takes them back to the scene of their experience, with a psychic, Kim Russo (Paranormal State), and she does a reading there.

On this particular episode, The Haunting of Beverley Mitchell, Kim met Beverley back at Pennhurst where Beverley had an experience filming a film.  They entered the Mayflower building where a lot of the filming took place.  Kim and Beverly were on the second floor and Kim said that she felt a little girl with them and she got the name Emma or Emily.  I almost fell off the couch.  How could I have gotten the same thing?!  Yes, my middle name is Emily, but I rarely think about it.  It just popped into my head.

I have a psychic friend who told me that I would be getting signs that I was ready to step more into my "abilities" and to welcome them.  Well, I welcomed them and they keep coming.  I don't think I'll ever call myself a psychic, but I am intuitive and sensitive.  I guess we'll see where this takes me.

Have you ever had a strange experience like this?  I'm dying (no pun intended... well, kinda) to hear about it!

Sock Obsessed

Most people that know me know that I love knitting.  Well, maybe love is not the right word.  I’m obsessed.  In particular, I am in love with knitting socks.  I can’t get enough of them.  I started knitting socks a few years ago when I was trying to think of something to make my husband for Christmas.  I’ve been hooked ever since.

I don’t even know how many pairs I have.  It’s horrible.  I get the yarn, I knit the pair and then I move on to the next.  I don’t even think I wear all of them.  I should probably make and give away, but I can’t seem to part with them once they’re done.  I don’t feel like many people appreciate the time and effort it takes to create something.  I don’t want to send my creations to a home where they won’t be respected.  It sounds so silly.  It’s not like I’m fostering an animal; they’re just socks!

I think the reason that I like socks so much is that they don’t take long. I have a relatively short attention span.  I also have no patience for long, convoluted instructions.  I have tried to knit larger projects, but if I come to something I don’t understand, I get overwhelmed and put the project down.  I invariably forget where I was in the project and it sits until I decide to take it apart and start something new.  I have started a particular project more times than I care to count or admit to.  I don’t know if I will ever finish it. 

Another thing about socks is that you can experiment with some of the more difficult stitch patterns.  It’s easier to practice techniques on a smaller project.  That way, if I ever decide to try something larger and more challenging, I will have had practice. 

Right now, I’m obsessed with anklets.  They take almost no time and they’re more friendly to warmer weather.  I wear socks to bed all year round and these are perfect for sleeping.  You can also experiment with the more expensive fibers without such a large monetary commitment. 

There are a lot of patterns on Ravelry.  The one I seem to be obsessed with the most right now is the Summer Sock Hop Sock. It’s quick and easy and is easily modified.  It’s written to be knit using the Magic Loop technique though I prefer DPNs.  I’ve knit it with and without the ruffled cuff and I like it both ways. 

I’ve knit this pattern using Panda Silk and also Knit Picks Felici Sock Yarn.  I like it in both.  I don’t have any pictures right now, but I will post some as soon as I can.

I think that these anklets will keep me occupied all summer while I plan for my Fall and Winter knitting projects and Christmas gifts for the next holiday season.  It seems to be so far away right now, but time is sneaky and it will be upon us in no time.

In the meantime, I’ll keep knitting these anklets and adding to my stash of socks. 

Getting Ready

All this editing I have been doing has really re-stoked my writing fire.  I really think I may want to write again.  I always have, but I never was very serious about it.  I like words, but I preferred to take the journalistic route and went to school for Journalism.  When that train left the station without me, I left those desires to marinate while I pursued things like a job, groceries, paying my bills, etc.

It’s not that I have a lack of drive and I am certainly not lazy.  What I do have is a lack of confidence and a fear of wasting time.  Sure, I have a lot of great ideas, but when push comes to shove and things look like they might be hard, I hesitate. 

As most of you know, I have a huge anxiety problem.  I’ve had it since I can remember.  I have to take things one step at a time.  If I look at a starting point and then where I want to be in the end, my mind gets fuzzy with all of the details.  I get overwhelmed, my pulse quickens, a fire rises from my toes to me head, and I throw my hands up in the air and say, “Forget it!”.  I retreat back to the familiar.

I also am the type of person that likes to know everything before I start something.  I am always getting ready to get ready.  Right now it’s easier for me to hide behind someone else’s work, to perfect what they’ve already created.  I get lost in the sentence structure, the punctuation, and the dialogue between the characters.  It’s easier.  I don’t have the pressure of creating.  I move slowly through each sentence, each paragraph, and each chapter with little responsibility.

I do want more, but right now I’m happy to get lost in someone else’s masterpiece.  Someday I may change my mind, but today I’m happy to play a supporting role in someone else’s success.  You can call it laziness or lack of drive, but I call it Getting Ready. 

Exciting things are on the horizon…

So, I have been a very busy bee.  There has been so much going on in my life and I haven’t had/made any time to blog in a very long time.

I’ve been involved with my photography and have been busy getting photo’s for a friend’s new book, a paranormal investigation book. The team that I belong to, HAPS, has traveled to some famous haunted locations in order to obtain evidence for the book.  I’ve gotten some amazing shots, some of which may be seen on my photography site RecklessShots.  We also took part in the National Haunters Convention in the beginning of May.  Some of my shots from that event are on my site as well. 

I’ve also edited the third book in the same friend’s teen horror novel series.  This book has now been shopped around La La Land and has been picked up for a motion picture!  They liked my editing and it was mentioned that I may pick up some part-time work for this particular producer.  I’m super excited. 

I also have a radio show on Para-X on Tuesday nights.  The Blurred Line features HAPS team members as well as paranormal experts, cryptozoology, the weird, and the strange.  I also co-host a show, The Dark Side, on Friday nights with some of the same people on the same station.

On top of all of this, I’m working full time, investigating residential properties with HAPS, trying to get some other hobbies in, visiting friends and family, and trying to relax.  I’m not sure how I get all of this done, but I sure am enjoying myself.  I’m not sure what will happen if hubs and I ever realize the dream of a family. 

Keep a eye out!  You may see me zipping by somewhere…