Getting Ready

All this editing I have been doing has really re-stoked my writing fire.  I really think I may want to write again.  I always have, but I never was very serious about it.  I like words, but I preferred to take the journalistic route and went to school for Journalism.  When that train left the station without me, I left those desires to marinate while I pursued things like a job, groceries, paying my bills, etc.

It’s not that I have a lack of drive and I am certainly not lazy.  What I do have is a lack of confidence and a fear of wasting time.  Sure, I have a lot of great ideas, but when push comes to shove and things look like they might be hard, I hesitate. 

As most of you know, I have a huge anxiety problem.  I’ve had it since I can remember.  I have to take things one step at a time.  If I look at a starting point and then where I want to be in the end, my mind gets fuzzy with all of the details.  I get overwhelmed, my pulse quickens, a fire rises from my toes to me head, and I throw my hands up in the air and say, “Forget it!”.  I retreat back to the familiar.

I also am the type of person that likes to know everything before I start something.  I am always getting ready to get ready.  Right now it’s easier for me to hide behind someone else’s work, to perfect what they’ve already created.  I get lost in the sentence structure, the punctuation, and the dialogue between the characters.  It’s easier.  I don’t have the pressure of creating.  I move slowly through each sentence, each paragraph, and each chapter with little responsibility.

I do want more, but right now I’m happy to get lost in someone else’s masterpiece.  Someday I may change my mind, but today I’m happy to play a supporting role in someone else’s success.  You can call it laziness or lack of drive, but I call it Getting Ready.