Saturday, October 23, 2010

Out Damned Spot!

I can’t seem to get out of my own head lately.  

I have not been on medication for a year or so and I thought I was doing well, but I’m starting to think that I’ve been fooling myself.  Scratch that, I have been fooling myself.  I still think that I need a coping mechanism that doesn’t involve chemicals or spending money because I don’t think that you can totally rely on medication.  For a long time that has been knitting, but lately it seems that isn’t even helping.  I find myself messing up the pattern because I get lost in my head, in some conversation that happened during the day in which I think that I may have looked like an idiot or didn’t know what I was talking about or I used the wrong word, or I said too much or I said the same thing too much or someone looked at me the wrong way or I must be annoying and that is why my someone snapped at me or I really am not good at what I do and some day soon they will figure it out and fire me and what am I going to do with my life when this happens and what if I get pregnant and what if I never get pregnant and never have children and should I really have children because I’m clearly CRAZY and can’t get out of my own head!

So, I’ve resolved that I am going to suck it up, stop the excuses, and go back to my doctor.  I’ve never had a proper diagnosis from a mental health professional.  One doctor has said it’s anxiety and depression and another has said that I am Bipolar.  Whatever it is, I need a plan to get better because something is clearly not working.  Whew!  I feel better already!


  1. I know exactly how you feel. I, too, ruminate over things LONG after I should. A negative conversation can stay with me for days. You are not alone in feeling this way. I also wasn't sure if I wanted kids of my own because I didn't want to "spread the crazy". So far, I think my son will be okay and at least I know what to look for if he shows signs later of depression or bipolar, unlike my own parents. Happy thoughts your way!


  2. Thanks! It helps to have someone who knows EXACTLY what you're feeling. I think I scare my loved ones sometimes because they worry when I am honest about the way that I feel. I'm not going to do something to myself. I just want to let it out!

  3. Good luck with the doctor! I really need to go back myself. I've been off them for 1 1/2 years, half by choice and half not. I was seeing a counselor for a while (it was mandated in order to see the psychiatrist at this place) and after going to her for 3 months with no meds, I finally got to see the doctor. My counselor wrote all kinds of notes, about what I should be on and why, so I figured the appointment was going to go well. Unfortunately, the doctor never read the notes and decided I didn't need to be on anything despite my extreme anxiety and mid-level depression. (Honestly, I think he looked at the tattoos I have and decided I was just a drug seeker.) My counselor was flabbergasted when I told her, and she understood when I said I could keep going to an office where the Dr. thought I was making up my symptoms, especially since being judged by others was a huge anxiety trigger for me.
    I haven't been back to a doctor since, because I was doing fine for a while but now the sleepless nights, where I just lay there thinking are starting to creep back in.
    I know exactly how you feel, and even though I dont know you very well (this is the first post Ive read), I hope everything works out for the best!

  4. Thanks, Nell! That sounds horrible and I totally understand. That is my main trigger as well.
    The worst one, anyway.


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