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Warning: Emotional Post Ahead – Brace Yourself
I had the house to myself for the past couple of days and I’m not going to lie and say it hasn’t been wonderful. The only time I am truly alone is when I am on the way to or from work, but as I was wandering through the house today, something hit me.
I was lonely.
I wasn’t lonely for my in-laws. I wasn’t lonely for my hubs. I was yearning for something that I’ve never had. A child. I wanted to be nurturing a child, at that moment, and I was so sad that I wasn’t.
It’s been pushed into the back of my mind, for months now, because I’ve been trying to lose weight. I lost 30 lbs and thought I would be ready, but I was still petrified.
I am petrified.
I’ve always been told that there is never a good time to get pregnant. Hubs and I were always waiting for us to be in the “perfect” position to have a child.
Well, folks. We’re running out of time. And I’m still scared.
What if it’s too late? What if I have a hormone problem? What if I get pregnant and go to the doctor and they are horrible to me? I’ve had a GYN be utterly horrible to me in the past. What if I’m a horrible mother?
I obviously have some issues to work through.
I’ll get there.
I hope.
Having a baby is scary. It's also empowering and exhausting and wonderful and terrible and terrifying... You get the idea. For what it's worth, I think you'll make a lovely mother: warm, creative, generous, loving. We all worry about being horrible. It remains my daily fear. Best of luck on your journey!
ReplyDeleteThank you. It's funny. I was coming back to my blog to delete the post. I suddenly felt raw and exposed for posting it and wanted it gone. It's probably because I didn't want to acknowledge the feelings. Stuff them down... I needed to get it out and I feel better now.
ReplyDeleteYou are SO not alone! I'm right there in your boat for ALL of this. I'm 34, we have waited for the "perfect time" as well...and I have all those same emotions! Will I be able to teach while pregnant? I'm tired as it is after teaching school....will I have a life? Will I get called "old mom" at the doctor's office? Will I worry every single day for 9 months straight? You are NOT alone....right there with you! Glad we're both in Mondo Beyondo....maybe in the end...that will really help :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Amy. It's a horrible feeling. Hubs and I have tried, off and on, for a couple of years with no result and I wonder if it's my stress that is prohibiting us from having success. So, we continue to try. I've been told I have a slight hormonal imbalance that might contribute but I've never explored it fully. I'm overweight and have been treated horribly by a gyn so I'm scared to go to another. Sad, really. I just need to find the right doctor.
ReplyDeleteGlad to be doing Mondo Beyondo with you!