Sunday, September 12, 2010

Yearning

Warning:  Emotional Post Ahead – Brace Yourself

I had the house to myself for the past couple of days and I’m not going to lie and say it hasn’t been wonderful.  The only time I am truly alone is when I am on the way to or from work, but as I was wandering through the house today, something hit me. 

I was lonely.

I wasn’t lonely for my in-laws.  I wasn’t lonely for my hubs.  I was yearning for something that I’ve never had.  A child.  I wanted to be nurturing a child, at that moment, and I was so sad that I wasn’t.

It’s been pushed into the back of my mind, for months now, because I’ve been trying to lose weight.  I lost 30 lbs and thought I would be ready, but I was still petrified. 

I am petrified.

I’ve always been told that there is never a good time to get pregnant.  Hubs and I were always waiting for us to be in the “perfect” position to have a child.

Well, folks.  We’re running out of time.  And I’m still scared.

What if it’s too late?  What if I have a hormone problem? What if I get pregnant and go to the doctor and they are horrible to me?  I’ve had a GYN be utterly horrible to me in the past.  What if I’m a horrible mother? 

I obviously have some issues to work through.

I’ll get there. 

I hope.

4 comments:

  1. Having a baby is scary. It's also empowering and exhausting and wonderful and terrible and terrifying... You get the idea. For what it's worth, I think you'll make a lovely mother: warm, creative, generous, loving. We all worry about being horrible. It remains my daily fear. Best of luck on your journey!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you. It's funny. I was coming back to my blog to delete the post. I suddenly felt raw and exposed for posting it and wanted it gone. It's probably because I didn't want to acknowledge the feelings. Stuff them down... I needed to get it out and I feel better now.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are SO not alone! I'm right there in your boat for ALL of this. I'm 34, we have waited for the "perfect time" as well...and I have all those same emotions! Will I be able to teach while pregnant? I'm tired as it is after teaching school....will I have a life? Will I get called "old mom" at the doctor's office? Will I worry every single day for 9 months straight? You are NOT alone....right there with you! Glad we're both in Mondo Beyondo....maybe in the end...that will really help :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks Amy. It's a horrible feeling. Hubs and I have tried, off and on, for a couple of years with no result and I wonder if it's my stress that is prohibiting us from having success. So, we continue to try. I've been told I have a slight hormonal imbalance that might contribute but I've never explored it fully. I'm overweight and have been treated horribly by a gyn so I'm scared to go to another. Sad, really. I just need to find the right doctor.
    Glad to be doing Mondo Beyondo with you!

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

ShareThis